last entry

this is my last entry.
there is nothing i want to share with anyone anymore.
it is fruitless to hold on to memories of experiences.
the moment is all i have and
i don't want to miss it on reviving a history.
people are uncapable of sharing experiences anyway,
there is too much of a contents gone missing or misunderstood while transmitting.
it has been necesary for me to start this blog
in order not to loose myself in too much thinking.
but now, with all these new experiences,
mind set,
freedom
and new love i have,
the realisation has come,
that it has no value at all.
my life, that is.
it is the same as yours and i am not willing to put it on a pedistale anymore.
whatever i need, it is in me.
whatever i want, i have it in me
whatever i get, is exactly what i have asked for...

simplify
simplify
simplify
and keep the focus!



thanks.

sweet sadness of accomplishment

yup. all things come to an end at one point. it is a funny feeling, when it's over, if you put that much struggle into acomplishing an assignment. one feels empty and satisfied in hte same time. but to make the situation even more dramatic it is weekend and all my friends here have somewhere to go. on the other hand, even if they stayed, i wouldn't have got time for them, since i have a visit from Stockholm coming today and a photo shooting tomorrow. then it is sunday, probably spent in a Blue Lagoon to relax and let go of all the excitement, following it is monday, when i will start developping a concept for my final collection. and the circle turnes once more. but still, i am feeling a bit sad. like a sweet sadness of accomplishment. it was good, today. my first collection made. i was told that i did a great job and that i had made a really good collection. there were some pieces that could easily be perceived as new classic. some have fully futuristic view, some are just plain commercial. so i covered it all. so they said.
of course there was some critique, but not on the collection. the presentation again. well, this time i wasn't spending time on philosophy at all, just the visualisation was so powerful it took attention from the collection. i am constantly doing it. if not with philosophy, then vith the graphic. as if i were affraid they might seen the mistakes in the collection. and there weren't any. it was my fear. the last remained bit of it. the self assurance in the stuff i do. and i know, this will fall as well, as has everything here. oh my god, i am so excited. i am becoming someone different. free. i can sense it, the freedom, flowing through my body. mmmm, it is so beautiful when everything is so bright as it is with eyes freed from the fog in the mind. i can still hear the hammer thomping on a statue i once was. the plaster lies on the floor and i see white footsteps leading out through the door into the light. i am still near but moving along, moving forward. so here it is to you, my sweet sadness, remind me of the man i was before, so i will never turn back again

no need to explain....Qbar

it is a freaking party. what else???

get a grip!! it is only a beginning!


fuck that!

it is all about enjoying the given moment
in a deformed "carpe Diem" philosophy!!

it is all about me!
me!
me!

hammer smash!

there is no time for spiritual thinking and analyzing anymore. the time has come in my life, where i just let things happen with no control whatsoever. i surf among possibilities that emerge and take the chance not by thinking, but feeling it right. i know it is a dangerous game i am playing, for emotions can sometimes lead to unpleasant results, of course i am talking about attachment to particular person, but they can lead you to situations where your self esteem is challenged aswell.
the both above happened recently. my last blog was a result of the latter one. my letting go, brought me to disagreement with my teacher on the first day. it made me unscure and thinking unfit to the fashion world, as it is. my facing inner turmoils has pushed her away, since i was so negative about everything that happened. even the assignment was stupid and i let her know that. i wasn't offensive or arrogant. i was frightened, like a child under blankett afraid to share my felings. but i did it anyway, since i believe it is the only way one can free himself.
and it was good that i did! it gave me power to do now everything that i have opinion of. positive or negative. i want to do it. i am doing it, actually.
i am wearing my trousers tucked into the socks!! ugly? yes!! but i loooove it!!
i am making fun of my being gay as an print art project!! ashamed? yes!! but i am dying of laughing right now!!
i am talking to everyone that might hate me!! blushing? yes!! but i win their love instead!!
i am going to gay bar poorely dressed and strange looking!! unsecure? yes!! but i have met someone who actually wants to know me!!
i am dancing and singing shamelessly on the streets...well everywhere!! crazy? yes!! but i have met some crazy people that way, who are now a part of my world.

i love it here. a lot. people are great. today i was talking to Loeve and she was surprised how i described Reykjavik's awakening with the song in it's burning heart. she want's to believe it too, because, everyone is fed up with the morbid situation they were facing, well...still do. she said i have so much love inside that reflects on the group work. we sung today, everyone of us. ofcourse i started, but it doesn't matter. they all joined. and Tia said, it is me, that made it easy-like working together in a room. i have been told, everyone who talked to me, likes me.
wow.
i always thought i was terrifying and arrogant, self absorbed and mean! i guess, that was my slovenia attitude? i still have troubles believeing someone could actually like me. and now, as it is, there are some guys, who like me as well. strange! or not so strange after all!
it is the energy, i think. i have nothing to loose! nothing, since i have nothing. i am a book here, with pages emptied. the more i do, the emptier it gets. it is like i am getting rid of everything that i was.
i am developping so quickly in fashion design, even my teacher can't believe it. from the first day of hatred, to the meeting today when she said i am doing a great job here. and she never says anything positive about anything. my judgement had no substance. she gives me more than i could imagine. one lesson everyday. she makes me see things i wasn't even aware they existed or that i had them in me. she has managed to make my love for fashion alive again. i am so grateful!
but i am not there yet. i need to set my mind free aswell. no concepts, no thinking....just doing. concepts are in me already. i can't possibly do anything wrong. because the problems that i see, the thoughts i have, philosophy i live...they are all in me already. so whatever i choose, i choose from within. there is no other way.

so i found my place in reykjavik. a Hljomalind cafe. there i write, there i draw, there i sketch and there i meet my future. i was reading a book in there and a guy came to me. Josh is his name. he asked me, if i was a fashion designer and i said i was studying to become one, but yes, i am. he said, he had been looking for one that day, because he needed him for styling on the photoshoot he planed. i said: "it is your lucky day."
today we met with a model. we are having a photoshoot on saturday.
oh, he is no fancy famous photographer, no no no. he is nothing like that at all. but you see, i don't mind anything. it is an experience. it is three people more to my life, it is the chance of letting go the prejudice and opening door for unknown.
hey, i might fall into a deep fight with him. i might have an argument with the model. i might lose my dignity for being there with unprofessionals, i might gain some laughter for being so naive...whatever, it is my story that i lead and tell and for what i see now.....i have plenty to say.

so here it is to you! my loving hammer. smash the statue i once was! crush it down!! i need to walk again!