last entry

this is my last entry.
there is nothing i want to share with anyone anymore.
it is fruitless to hold on to memories of experiences.
the moment is all i have and
i don't want to miss it on reviving a history.
people are uncapable of sharing experiences anyway,
there is too much of a contents gone missing or misunderstood while transmitting.
it has been necesary for me to start this blog
in order not to loose myself in too much thinking.
but now, with all these new experiences,
mind set,
freedom
and new love i have,
the realisation has come,
that it has no value at all.
my life, that is.
it is the same as yours and i am not willing to put it on a pedistale anymore.
whatever i need, it is in me.
whatever i want, i have it in me
whatever i get, is exactly what i have asked for...

simplify
simplify
simplify
and keep the focus!



thanks.

sweet sadness of accomplishment

yup. all things come to an end at one point. it is a funny feeling, when it's over, if you put that much struggle into acomplishing an assignment. one feels empty and satisfied in hte same time. but to make the situation even more dramatic it is weekend and all my friends here have somewhere to go. on the other hand, even if they stayed, i wouldn't have got time for them, since i have a visit from Stockholm coming today and a photo shooting tomorrow. then it is sunday, probably spent in a Blue Lagoon to relax and let go of all the excitement, following it is monday, when i will start developping a concept for my final collection. and the circle turnes once more. but still, i am feeling a bit sad. like a sweet sadness of accomplishment. it was good, today. my first collection made. i was told that i did a great job and that i had made a really good collection. there were some pieces that could easily be perceived as new classic. some have fully futuristic view, some are just plain commercial. so i covered it all. so they said.
of course there was some critique, but not on the collection. the presentation again. well, this time i wasn't spending time on philosophy at all, just the visualisation was so powerful it took attention from the collection. i am constantly doing it. if not with philosophy, then vith the graphic. as if i were affraid they might seen the mistakes in the collection. and there weren't any. it was my fear. the last remained bit of it. the self assurance in the stuff i do. and i know, this will fall as well, as has everything here. oh my god, i am so excited. i am becoming someone different. free. i can sense it, the freedom, flowing through my body. mmmm, it is so beautiful when everything is so bright as it is with eyes freed from the fog in the mind. i can still hear the hammer thomping on a statue i once was. the plaster lies on the floor and i see white footsteps leading out through the door into the light. i am still near but moving along, moving forward. so here it is to you, my sweet sadness, remind me of the man i was before, so i will never turn back again

no need to explain....Qbar

it is a freaking party. what else???

get a grip!! it is only a beginning!


fuck that!

it is all about enjoying the given moment
in a deformed "carpe Diem" philosophy!!

it is all about me!
me!
me!

hammer smash!

there is no time for spiritual thinking and analyzing anymore. the time has come in my life, where i just let things happen with no control whatsoever. i surf among possibilities that emerge and take the chance not by thinking, but feeling it right. i know it is a dangerous game i am playing, for emotions can sometimes lead to unpleasant results, of course i am talking about attachment to particular person, but they can lead you to situations where your self esteem is challenged aswell.
the both above happened recently. my last blog was a result of the latter one. my letting go, brought me to disagreement with my teacher on the first day. it made me unscure and thinking unfit to the fashion world, as it is. my facing inner turmoils has pushed her away, since i was so negative about everything that happened. even the assignment was stupid and i let her know that. i wasn't offensive or arrogant. i was frightened, like a child under blankett afraid to share my felings. but i did it anyway, since i believe it is the only way one can free himself.
and it was good that i did! it gave me power to do now everything that i have opinion of. positive or negative. i want to do it. i am doing it, actually.
i am wearing my trousers tucked into the socks!! ugly? yes!! but i loooove it!!
i am making fun of my being gay as an print art project!! ashamed? yes!! but i am dying of laughing right now!!
i am talking to everyone that might hate me!! blushing? yes!! but i win their love instead!!
i am going to gay bar poorely dressed and strange looking!! unsecure? yes!! but i have met someone who actually wants to know me!!
i am dancing and singing shamelessly on the streets...well everywhere!! crazy? yes!! but i have met some crazy people that way, who are now a part of my world.

i love it here. a lot. people are great. today i was talking to Loeve and she was surprised how i described Reykjavik's awakening with the song in it's burning heart. she want's to believe it too, because, everyone is fed up with the morbid situation they were facing, well...still do. she said i have so much love inside that reflects on the group work. we sung today, everyone of us. ofcourse i started, but it doesn't matter. they all joined. and Tia said, it is me, that made it easy-like working together in a room. i have been told, everyone who talked to me, likes me.
wow.
i always thought i was terrifying and arrogant, self absorbed and mean! i guess, that was my slovenia attitude? i still have troubles believeing someone could actually like me. and now, as it is, there are some guys, who like me as well. strange! or not so strange after all!
it is the energy, i think. i have nothing to loose! nothing, since i have nothing. i am a book here, with pages emptied. the more i do, the emptier it gets. it is like i am getting rid of everything that i was.
i am developping so quickly in fashion design, even my teacher can't believe it. from the first day of hatred, to the meeting today when she said i am doing a great job here. and she never says anything positive about anything. my judgement had no substance. she gives me more than i could imagine. one lesson everyday. she makes me see things i wasn't even aware they existed or that i had them in me. she has managed to make my love for fashion alive again. i am so grateful!
but i am not there yet. i need to set my mind free aswell. no concepts, no thinking....just doing. concepts are in me already. i can't possibly do anything wrong. because the problems that i see, the thoughts i have, philosophy i live...they are all in me already. so whatever i choose, i choose from within. there is no other way.

so i found my place in reykjavik. a Hljomalind cafe. there i write, there i draw, there i sketch and there i meet my future. i was reading a book in there and a guy came to me. Josh is his name. he asked me, if i was a fashion designer and i said i was studying to become one, but yes, i am. he said, he had been looking for one that day, because he needed him for styling on the photoshoot he planed. i said: "it is your lucky day."
today we met with a model. we are having a photoshoot on saturday.
oh, he is no fancy famous photographer, no no no. he is nothing like that at all. but you see, i don't mind anything. it is an experience. it is three people more to my life, it is the chance of letting go the prejudice and opening door for unknown.
hey, i might fall into a deep fight with him. i might have an argument with the model. i might lose my dignity for being there with unprofessionals, i might gain some laughter for being so naive...whatever, it is my story that i lead and tell and for what i see now.....i have plenty to say.

so here it is to you! my loving hammer. smash the statue i once was! crush it down!! i need to walk again!

crushin' down

i wonder today. i don't feel secure in my skin anymore. i feel like i am a child again. 7 something in a kindergarten. i stand there in a corner where my teacher sent me to think about appropriate word for asking her to go to the Loo. i was just a boy, for Christ's sake, growing up on a country side, where language is appropriately raw. how could i have known, what was the right word, if i didn't even know it existed. i said, may i take a piss? and she wouldn't let me, demanding from me instead, to say it right. so i tried again, may i take a leak? that just made her plain angry, so i was sent there. facing the walls, i might get a clear mind on the subject, or so she thought. but the shame was too great for me to even think about correct use of words for pissing. i was shocked. she knew i had to go to the loo and she still demanded from me to find the "nice" word? couldn't she just find some different way of punishing me, some nicer way, more humane. and when i looked at her, searching for the sign of mercy in her eyes, she just turned away. like i was some hard criminal. then suddenly came the tension in my belly. i was really full. the shock and embarrasement sided away, so the pain was much stronger. i turned to my schoolmates, who kept on playing their games, not even paying attention to me. oblivious, without compassion. no understanding of the troubles of others. and i was supposed to be their friend? so i screamed at one, begging him to tell me how to say i need to piss. and then it hit me: may i go to the toilette? it was the one of the most powerful experiences i had in my life. and i must say, i often feel this way: i am saying what i feel. the need to say it, is usually so strong that i don't use "appropriate" language. so i don't find understanding. when i say it, i get punished and cut off of the people i am supposed to hang with. and they don't react, so i need to ask them, but always find solution on my own in that instant. i felt this way twice today. my first encounter with the teacher was terrible. i came to her with my concept, which is quite nice, but then she just dissed me. and when i said, i am usually working this way: first the concept, then the inspirational material, then the narrowing down and finding the solution to the problems emerging, she replied: well you came here to learn, so learn this new way. this "new way" is what i did in my first year of studying: gathering material that i like. not even knowing what for and then finding the concept, if ever, and making a beautiful collection! they do it here "this way"!!! i guess it is fashion way, my is more artistic. but anyway, i won't fight the system. maybe i will find something good for me in there at the end. what really bothered me, was the way she talked to me. whatever i said, she neglected or nullified every single thought. i felt like a complette idiot. and i felt ashamed. like i was letting everyone down. all the years of study and i can't even impress the teacher on my first day. and when i turned for the communication to my fellow students i got no connection. after she went, i asked them, if she had something against me or was it her way? and they said, it is the way she is. you have to agree with her! o, my god!! agree?? well, this is gonna be a hard lesson, but i am not a quitter, so i went home and start developping the concept again. I am doing Hitler now! i need nothing more to say. it is what i feel like, now. thrown into a jail, forbidden to live my life. forced to adjust to the new situation. if i survive, getting out skinnier as i entered (that is in my artistic mind in fashion) i will be ready to face the fashion world more powerful than ever. so, in a way i am glad it happened so early. now i just have to take care of myself, i must not forget breathing and nodding. it is quite funny, the art here is terrific. the mind of the artists i met is so amazingly pure and not heavy. they have this lightness and assurance around themselves. but fashion is a real disaster. no identitiy at all for now. too american, too Gaultier, too Yamamoto, too Balenciaga, too Dior and Marni.....too Everything else but Iceland. right now i think i will get more out of the country, less from the tutoring...but i won't say the final judgement yet. i still like it here, i still think i am capable of learning on my own, i still think my teacher is nice, offering me a different perspective, i still love people here, i still have a great fun with my schoolmates, i still smile even if they tease me, i still feel like a sponge sucking everything in, i still think teacher will see something in me in the end of the module, i still think my honesty, even if i dislike something, will find a fruitful ground, i still believe i am here for a reason. to grow

little boys like you

i went to a Melodica acoustic festival today. by chance, not by plan. i ended up in a bar Kaffi Hljomalind and the girl singing stroke me. her name is Mysterious Marta. i went to her in the end. i needed to share my opinion with her. she touched me. her song was telling my emotion. i thought i felt better by now but i had tears in my eyes. i couldn't stop. it is all still ok. and the fact, she was singing it with a smile on her face stroke me even harder. however, she couldn't hide the pain. and we looked at eachother, she modestly accepted my congratulations and say thanks to my comment on honesty of her lyrics and sincere emotion while playing. this is na excerpt of a lyrics

http://www.myspace.com/mysteriousmarta

...
what the hell,
why can't i just let you go
i always thought i was a strong person
but it looks like i am not,
at least i am losing for you
i am losing for you

i have done this before
and i got really hurt
and i promised to my self
i will never cry again
i will never cry again
because of some litle boys
i wil never cry again

because i am so tired of playing games with little boys
because i am so tired of playing games with little boys

why can't we just feel like normal people
let's meet eachother and stay together forever
stay together forever
these coupple of years

why did we meet, if there was nothing supposed to happen
why did we meet at all, or maybe it was just to make this song
...

and then another boy came. SHISHA PM. he sung a song called Winter. and this is the Chours:

...

this is the winter
this is the end
this is the final act
you are just a friend
...

tomorrow i meet with a designer i met on the street in Reykjavik, while on the way to gay bar. she is a lesbian and possibly one of the most beautiful persons i have met on Iceland untill now. she wants to see my stuff. oh i know we gonna talk for a whole day. she has just divorced, after 8 years of marriage to her wife.

i know we gonna talk a lot

jæja by the pond

by the pond of Reykjavik we chose to shoot out video. about an indian look-a-like carrying all the burden of Icelandic contemporary society. among them, there are wooden puppets, wearing the the faces of politicians who caused and perserved the situation. but it doesn't matter anyways. the meaning of it should not be pointed out, since the jæja movement we started has only one rule:

when you don't know what to do, just do something!

so we did. and the decision we chose, was having fun and not think about the greater picture. we did what felt momentarily right. we did what we felt it was funny.


we drove some moments to the extent and some we deleted completly. with some actors we played nastily, making them to puppets in our hands. to the others we were gentle and wanting to respect their effort. it didn't matter at the moment, because we weren't driven by revenge or bad feelings towards anyone, as well as good ones too. we simply reacted to the things emerging, happening in front of our eyes. we believe, noone can actually influence anything. we believe there are no things that can be said or explained, since everything you do in that moment is right. with past taking over in a next second, the reason exists anymore.
i love this movement. it has balls. it doesn't care what others might think or not think. it doesn't want to motivate noone and not discourage anyone. it has no remorse, but it wishes nothing else done either. there is no shock motivated art in jæja. there are things. nothing more. there are only decisions of a given moment. no future, no option, no happiness, no sadness, no past, nothing...

no thing

i sat there, by the pond of reykjavik. thinking about what we'd done. i lifted my photo and took some pictures. it is nothing we have done, yet we did everything.

i think i will eat cereals tomorrow.

reykjavik is burning with a song on its face.

the wind has come in to Reykjavik. it is blowing outside, they said it is going to be a great storm tonight. strange, to me a storm always includes rain or snow. here, a storm in a clear sky with hard blowing wind. oh, and it is blowing fiercly. i wouldn't want to be outside the safety of my room right now, especially with the glaze that coveres the pavement, reserved for pedestrians. it was quite interesting today morning. i graciously skated with my shoes to the school (but read it clumsily and bumpily).
however, this wasn't the wind i was thinking of. no. befoer the actual wind came, the other kind of it blew through the streets of the Reykjavik. i know. I felt it. i sensed it in my change of decision. i decided to face it all. i spoke of that, quite boringly in former blog entries, but you shouldn't be mad at me for doing it so. i needed to write it down. One of my followers, Tine, said, it was a good idea for me to write it down the way i am doing, that way i could remember more. My staying, that is. and he was right. i did.
but what will i be looking at in time, when i am back home? at my sadness? at my unwillingness to act? at my passionate love? my irrational feelings? my Fear of being here? my Fall? NO. i will be looking into growth. into decision making. into facing and rising.
i knew, when i went form my home place to this strange land with these happy people, that i would be having troubles at the beginning. but on the contrary, i melted in so quickly, it seemed impossible, even to my friend Jorge. but there i was, feeling happy and cheerful in the first week. well, as it later came out, is wasn't real. for, just a week later, i was having all these weird thoughts going on, feeling all those strange emotions creeping in.
and so was reykjavik then. covered in the blackish gray dimmed atmosphere. sadness crawling among people. demonstrations being peaceful and boring. people loosing their faith in the power of one man's voice. oh, it was dragging everybody down. you couldn't escape it. you wouldn't even try to, for it felt appropriate at the time.
but then, a change came. people went out on tuesday. bringing their stuff from home, which they can make noise with. spoons, bells, pans, french keys, wooden sticks, ect. and they made noise. oh,what a noise it become. powerful! decisive! demanding! new! fresh! unique to the culture! and it made me dance! i went to the protest the other day. i was angry, because i haven't brought anything to join this raving. oh yes, it was raving. techno culture could learn something form them. it was amazing. then they burned a tree. in the middle of the square.
so i came home that night and i cut my hair. i rearranged my room and then dyed hair in black.
it was a purifying act and today, when i went to school, people were pleasantly surprised at my lightness of being. of course, they said i had great hair. and i do! i am looking pretty astonishing.
but that isn't the matter. what matters is, i spent my whole day in school. form 9 to midnight. and i laughed the whole time. to tears. i hadn't had such a laugh in years.
i was doing prints with copper plates. a technique i always wanted to achieve. and now i am doing it. professor liked it, so he invited me to an exhibition. i declined, of course, since i had to work on a video with my group i fall in love with in these three weeks.
they laughed at me in the beginning. but it didn't matter. i am a funny guy. i like to bring people to laugh. i am gay and a bit feminine as well, which is alwas funny to look at. i know i would laugh at myself if i saw me. but it was ok, they saw more to me, than just appearence. because now, when the end of our meetings is coming, they want me to come to the party tomorrow evening. they want me to skip my other one, i have been invited to, just to be with them. they need me there, because they begunn to really see inside of me. and a boy wishes for me to go running with him in the mornings. another girl wants to come to visit me in slovenia. my leading professor made a contact with me on a friendly level, the other on professional. the third was amazed with my understanding of his pieces of art and i fall in love with it, because it is simple, using the laws of physics and he never influences it on any level. he simply let's it evolve and dissolve.
so here it is, how i learn. through little miracles of everyday's communication by simply being who i am and not worrying to please anyone. the way everyone should be.
i think i will meet Bjork and we will work together. i think it might happen soon. one of my professors is her designer....just a step away, just a talk closer. hm!!


and so the reykjavik burns with a song on his face, melting the ice cube i came in with.

stop - rewind - record over!!

Ragnar Alexsson, icelandic photographer

it is a day of ending. if my life is a taperecorder, then today the "stop" button has been pressed.
i had a major breakdown yesterday.
i always thought my personality would be described as a lake. calm and cold on the outside. caught between mountains, with the moonlight reflecting on the surface. i´d see it as Krnsko jezero, deep and green with life hidden in its groins. well, maybe it was a lake at some time in the beginning. but as it fails to flush things out, the lake has begun to grow shallow and in this month it became a pawn.
we all know what happens to a pawn when somebody steps into it. the insides come up on the surface. oh, i collected them fiercly in my life. things!! being a tough and proud, arrogant and selfish boy. i surpressed everything that could stirr my good image. i was sensitive, allright , but i decided on what and when. it was all an act.
so yesterday it happened that the final shake has been an overload. it all came up. all the fears and all the feelings, all the secrets and all the sorrows, all the things i though i don´t regret doing and all the things i do... and i faced them all. i was lying on my bed not sure of how to cope with what was happening and then my friend appeared, whom i love a lot. she is my light in every situation i face. she is a hand pointing the right direction. and she told me, to give them names, to give them shapes and colour....and then talk to them. ask them why are they here.

to identify them all
to accept them all
to banish them all

and so i got three new friends:

green and slimy fear,
red and liquid hurt,
pink and sphere-like love.

i couldn´t give them names, though. i saw them together. but there they were. separate. and the more i tried to tell them, that i think they were the same thing, the more they disagreed. it was an dead-end alley or so i thought, untill the message came. a mail in which the needed code was inprinted. they took the new shape it provided. i wasn´t shocked, when i saw the image appearing. i fell in love with that shape before that. have been in love with it for quite some time. i thought it would be hard for me to banish it, but it was quite simple. i just breathed in and slowly breathed out. i felt releaved.
i set the ground beneath my feet. i am still pretty high above, swimming in my unearthly, unlogical and irrationaly evoked emotion, but i feel the ground nearing. i see the bottom of a pawn clearing itself. i see the light shimmerly appearing, i sense the cold and deep green colour of the lake i was before. i am not there yet. but i am on my way to get to it.
and so the day begunn today. woke up terribly looking. i almost screamed when i saw my face. i really need to stop using hair spray. my hair looked like Tim Burton´s witch of one of his movies. i need to cut them, clearly i need. it will be purifying.
then i had a breakfast. a jam!! i haven´t eaten jam in a months. i just didn´t stand the thought of eating cereal. so i went to school. we had a discussion. and for the first time in three weeks, i laughed to my tears. the ideas were absurdly surreal and we all agreed on doing them. my imagination was working again full throtle! i didn´t have a laugh that sincere in three months.
so i went to my fashion department, then. oh, they have a library here, my school in slovenia should hide in shame from it. and i looked for a book that would take me in.....
i found three, none of them in fashion. all of art, icelandic art, icelandic thought, icelandic people...
i am on fucking Iceland!!!
i realised i am whining here....thinking too much....i need to start talking about beauty here. i need to be more focused on the new, not the old.
so here it is, the last day of my blog the way it is....

i am going out to drink beer with my fellow Laura. we need to celebrate. is the Bush´s last day!

EVERYTHING ENDS TODAY I START ANEW

reset

it is ok.
the day of silence and thought.
contemplating the things to do in future,
resolving the problems of the present,
letting go all the past.

it is ok.
saying the things inside outloud,
facing the fears and scream them away
acknowledge the tension and give it a face
tell them to leave you right now

it is ok.
to sit down and cry
to show your potential
to amaze them all
and become their leader
go on, when it is done.

it is ok.

but then you must act
you must destroy
you must stand up
and say "so long"

you need to realise
it is just one thing
it is just a life
that you chose to lead.

jæja

18th January

today is my grandmother's birthday. she has passed long time ago and i still remember her birthday every year. years before she died, she kept on asking me if i would bring her flowers to her grave. i always replied with a smile on my face, thinking, the silly Nona, ofcourse i will. sometimes i made joke about her being gone, how would she known if i was there? would still matter to her, then being an angel. and she made it clear, that it is for the people to know, that she was loved. there is no saddest thing than a long forgotten grave falling into ruines.
i don't bring her flowers. i never lit a candle. i have a hard time visiting graveyard since my mother passed away. and it is not for the "trendy hype" reason that it doesn't matter where or how i remeber, even on the1st of november. just so that i do. anywhere, anytime...as long as i don't forget. i truth it has something to do with the pain i feel and the void consuming me. i want to forget that void.
thinking, that it is enought to simply remember, is a lie. to go on living pretending that it doesn't matter who lies down there is a fearsome act. noone likes to go visit a grave. but not for the reason of playing a "good" child or "faithful" lover, "honest" friend....for the others to see, to make a performance out of it. a statement of how great, loaded, loving we are. no! in truth, everyone fears death and the memory of it.
it is so ignorant and selfish, to accuse people who love their "passed away"s of being "show off"s. it is childish and immature. only a child can see the world soley through his own eyes. the difference between a "grown up" spirit and a "holding god for balls" teenager is the reflection on others. knowing that others have their stories too and if he, the teen, feels he found truth in revealing the mechanism of human behaviour, it doesn't mean it holds true for all of them. i know, i was once like that, too.
so i remeber her today. she was an inspiration. tough and brave woman, left by her husband, raising three children all on her own. and to the very end of her life, she had a spirit that wouldn't break. only the third stroke put her to sleep away her life. both times before, she put herself on feet and took on living. pride and grace were her companion even on a wheel chair.
i wish i was like her. but i am not that strong. today i am breaking. if i had known Iceland would have such an impact on my apparently fragile character, i wouldn't have come. i would first resolve my problems and then partied away.
well the thing is, i am now in a bad situation. heart ache is present, mind is getting overloaded and the body is shivering under so much emotion. but i know i will get over it. i am known for that. i fall deep and burn into ashes and then i am reborn again. and the deeper i fall the higher i am next time.

my name is phoenix.

only for voyeurs

if you really want to hear the crack inside....
othrewise, wait for next blog entrance
i just needed to let it out
sorry

"i started to dream heavily here. i don't know what has been causing it, but the dreams are starting to freak me out. yesterday i woke up all covered in tears. i was swimming in them, my cheeks salty and eyes like jagged edged nut shells."

i dreamt about him. he came to my town. to my house. not alone ofcourse, but with two girlfriends and a fellow boy. i showed them around and the place where they would sleep. naturally, i didn't make any suggestion to reveal my true emotions. i kept them hidden inside, but i never lost him out of my sight.
they were all very nice and talkative. his girlfriends were happy with the way my room looked and the fellow boy was cheerful about everything i had to offer. he, however stayed silent. for the whole time. he was just sneaking around like a cat, careful so i would never lose him out of sight but far enough so i wouldn't touch him. it was a game.
but then they went away and he stayed there with me in a single room with piano. no words were spoken, nor did he look me in the eyes for the whole time he spent there, he just sat behind the piano and then started to play. he knew my love for the sound of hammers hitting the strings and the harmony they evoked. with closed eyes he played. and i knew he was sure i was getting more interested, that the wall around me has begun fall, the curtains have opened, the ice had begun to melt inside. and so i went to him, placing the laundry i was folding on side, and stepped behind him. i didn't touch him. i just leaned my head on his shoulder and he gently brushed his cheeks to my hair without stoping to play. it was the first moment we had. the first touch we gave, the first contact we made and the last word he said to me were: "when i came here, i had this great love for you, but now that i see you, i feel nothing anymore!"
the crack inside was louder than the one on a day when earthquake destroyed my valley.

and so i woke up crying.

i knew then i need to go. i knew i need to forget everything. that i need to accept the truth and not live for the mere chance. i have to live things i am saying here on blog. not jst preach them. he is not giving me any confirmation and i am not sure i want to hear them. i don't want to. let it go, i am hooked on him. despite all the irrationalities of the given situation.
against all odds it happened, that i fell in love... and what wasn't supposed to happen, revealed its self as the strongest emotion i had in my last few years.

iceland is killing me. with no wall i am not safe even from my own reality.

oh, i grow all right! i just don't know, if i like the shape i am growing into.

so i went out tonight. to a gay bar. Qbar. and i had the greates night of last few years. everything was great. people, music, alcohol. there was this waitor i asked to mix me something new, because i need to forget and i need to get drunk. he made it and it was really delicious. i got drunk a lot and danced like hell. a guy came to me, telling me he loves the way i move. i just smiled.
and i met this other guy, but i never spoke to him. we touched, we watched, we danced, all that not to eachother. i was some place else... my body was there, but heart was far away...i didn't forget. i couldn't. i am still in love...

and i am still remebering now....
and i will still remember it tomorrow...

and i will never forget...
never...
never...
ever!

i am falling in silence instead