only for voyeurs

if you really want to hear the crack inside....
othrewise, wait for next blog entrance
i just needed to let it out
sorry

"i started to dream heavily here. i don't know what has been causing it, but the dreams are starting to freak me out. yesterday i woke up all covered in tears. i was swimming in them, my cheeks salty and eyes like jagged edged nut shells."

i dreamt about him. he came to my town. to my house. not alone ofcourse, but with two girlfriends and a fellow boy. i showed them around and the place where they would sleep. naturally, i didn't make any suggestion to reveal my true emotions. i kept them hidden inside, but i never lost him out of my sight.
they were all very nice and talkative. his girlfriends were happy with the way my room looked and the fellow boy was cheerful about everything i had to offer. he, however stayed silent. for the whole time. he was just sneaking around like a cat, careful so i would never lose him out of sight but far enough so i wouldn't touch him. it was a game.
but then they went away and he stayed there with me in a single room with piano. no words were spoken, nor did he look me in the eyes for the whole time he spent there, he just sat behind the piano and then started to play. he knew my love for the sound of hammers hitting the strings and the harmony they evoked. with closed eyes he played. and i knew he was sure i was getting more interested, that the wall around me has begun fall, the curtains have opened, the ice had begun to melt inside. and so i went to him, placing the laundry i was folding on side, and stepped behind him. i didn't touch him. i just leaned my head on his shoulder and he gently brushed his cheeks to my hair without stoping to play. it was the first moment we had. the first touch we gave, the first contact we made and the last word he said to me were: "when i came here, i had this great love for you, but now that i see you, i feel nothing anymore!"
the crack inside was louder than the one on a day when earthquake destroyed my valley.

and so i woke up crying.

i knew then i need to go. i knew i need to forget everything. that i need to accept the truth and not live for the mere chance. i have to live things i am saying here on blog. not jst preach them. he is not giving me any confirmation and i am not sure i want to hear them. i don't want to. let it go, i am hooked on him. despite all the irrationalities of the given situation.
against all odds it happened, that i fell in love... and what wasn't supposed to happen, revealed its self as the strongest emotion i had in my last few years.

iceland is killing me. with no wall i am not safe even from my own reality.

oh, i grow all right! i just don't know, if i like the shape i am growing into.

so i went out tonight. to a gay bar. Qbar. and i had the greates night of last few years. everything was great. people, music, alcohol. there was this waitor i asked to mix me something new, because i need to forget and i need to get drunk. he made it and it was really delicious. i got drunk a lot and danced like hell. a guy came to me, telling me he loves the way i move. i just smiled.
and i met this other guy, but i never spoke to him. we touched, we watched, we danced, all that not to eachother. i was some place else... my body was there, but heart was far away...i didn't forget. i couldn't. i am still in love...

and i am still remebering now....
and i will still remember it tomorrow...

and i will never forget...
never...
never...
ever!

i am falling in silence instead