Ragnar Alexsson, icelandic photographerit is a day of ending. if my life is a taperecorder, then today the "stop" button has been pressed.
i had a major breakdown yesterday.
i always thought my personality would be described as a lake. calm and cold on the outside. caught between mountains, with the moonlight reflecting on the surface. i´d see it as Krnsko jezero, deep and green with life hidden in its groins. well, maybe it was a lake at some time in the beginning. but as it fails to flush things out, the lake has begun to grow shallow and in this month it became a pawn.
we all know what happens to a pawn when somebody steps into it. the insides come up on the surface. oh, i collected them fiercly in my life. things!! being a tough and proud, arrogant and selfish boy. i surpressed everything that could stirr my good image. i was sensitive, allright , but i decided on what and when. it was all an act.
so yesterday it happened that the final shake has been an overload. it all came up. all the fears and all the feelings, all the secrets and all the sorrows, all the things i though i don´t regret doing and all the things i do... and i faced them all. i was lying on my bed not sure of how to cope with what was happening and then my friend appeared, whom i love a lot. she is my light in every situation i face. she is a hand pointing the right direction. and she told me, to give them names, to give them shapes and colour....and then talk to them. ask them why are they here.
and so i got three new friends:
i couldn´t give them names, though. i saw them together. but there they were. separate. and the more i tried to tell them, that i think they were the same thing, the more they disagreed. it was an dead-end alley or so i thought, untill the message came. a mail in which the needed code was inprinted. they took the new shape it provided. i wasn´t shocked, when i saw the image appearing. i fell in love with that shape before that. have been in love with it for quite some time. i thought it would be hard for me to banish it, but it was quite simple. i just breathed in and slowly breathed out. i felt releaved.
i set the ground beneath my feet. i am still pretty high above, swimming in my unearthly, unlogical and irrationaly evoked emotion, but i feel the ground nearing. i see the bottom of a pawn clearing itself. i see the light shimmerly appearing, i sense the cold and deep green colour of the lake i was before. i am not there yet. but i am on my way to get to it.
and so the day begunn today. woke up terribly looking. i almost screamed when i saw my face. i really need to stop using hair spray. my hair looked like Tim Burton´s witch of one of his movies. i need to cut them, clearly i need. it will be purifying.
then i had a breakfast. a jam!! i haven´t eaten jam in a months. i just didn´t stand the thought of eating cereal. so i went to school. we had a discussion. and for the first time in three weeks, i laughed to my tears. the ideas were absurdly surreal and we all agreed on doing them. my imagination was working again full throtle! i didn´t have a laugh that sincere in three months.
so i went to my fashion department, then. oh, they have a library here, my school in slovenia should hide in shame from it. and i looked for a book that would take me in.....
i found three, none of them in fashion. all of art, icelandic art, icelandic thought, icelandic people...
i am on fucking Iceland!!!
i realised i am whining here....thinking too much....i need to start talking about beauty here. i need to be more focused on the new, not the old.
so here it is, the last day of my blog the way it is....
i am going out to drink beer with my fellow Laura. we need to celebrate. is the Bush´s last day!
i had a major breakdown yesterday.
i always thought my personality would be described as a lake. calm and cold on the outside. caught between mountains, with the moonlight reflecting on the surface. i´d see it as Krnsko jezero, deep and green with life hidden in its groins. well, maybe it was a lake at some time in the beginning. but as it fails to flush things out, the lake has begun to grow shallow and in this month it became a pawn.
we all know what happens to a pawn when somebody steps into it. the insides come up on the surface. oh, i collected them fiercly in my life. things!! being a tough and proud, arrogant and selfish boy. i surpressed everything that could stirr my good image. i was sensitive, allright , but i decided on what and when. it was all an act.
so yesterday it happened that the final shake has been an overload. it all came up. all the fears and all the feelings, all the secrets and all the sorrows, all the things i though i don´t regret doing and all the things i do... and i faced them all. i was lying on my bed not sure of how to cope with what was happening and then my friend appeared, whom i love a lot. she is my light in every situation i face. she is a hand pointing the right direction. and she told me, to give them names, to give them shapes and colour....and then talk to them. ask them why are they here.
to identify them all
to accept them all
to banish them all
to accept them all
to banish them all
and so i got three new friends:
green and slimy fear,
red and liquid hurt,
pink and sphere-like love.
red and liquid hurt,
pink and sphere-like love.
i couldn´t give them names, though. i saw them together. but there they were. separate. and the more i tried to tell them, that i think they were the same thing, the more they disagreed. it was an dead-end alley or so i thought, untill the message came. a mail in which the needed code was inprinted. they took the new shape it provided. i wasn´t shocked, when i saw the image appearing. i fell in love with that shape before that. have been in love with it for quite some time. i thought it would be hard for me to banish it, but it was quite simple. i just breathed in and slowly breathed out. i felt releaved.
i set the ground beneath my feet. i am still pretty high above, swimming in my unearthly, unlogical and irrationaly evoked emotion, but i feel the ground nearing. i see the bottom of a pawn clearing itself. i see the light shimmerly appearing, i sense the cold and deep green colour of the lake i was before. i am not there yet. but i am on my way to get to it.
and so the day begunn today. woke up terribly looking. i almost screamed when i saw my face. i really need to stop using hair spray. my hair looked like Tim Burton´s witch of one of his movies. i need to cut them, clearly i need. it will be purifying.
then i had a breakfast. a jam!! i haven´t eaten jam in a months. i just didn´t stand the thought of eating cereal. so i went to school. we had a discussion. and for the first time in three weeks, i laughed to my tears. the ideas were absurdly surreal and we all agreed on doing them. my imagination was working again full throtle! i didn´t have a laugh that sincere in three months.
so i went to my fashion department, then. oh, they have a library here, my school in slovenia should hide in shame from it. and i looked for a book that would take me in.....
i found three, none of them in fashion. all of art, icelandic art, icelandic thought, icelandic people...
i am on fucking Iceland!!!
i realised i am whining here....thinking too much....i need to start talking about beauty here. i need to be more focused on the new, not the old.
so here it is, the last day of my blog the way it is....
i am going out to drink beer with my fellow Laura. we need to celebrate. is the Bush´s last day!
EVERYTHING ENDS TODAY I START ANEW
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