facing the mirror

I am calming down. you can see it by my writing a blog. i won't submit to the negative energies that surrounded me and i can say others felt it too. it is amazing, how sensitive we are. capable of noticing things that aren't visual or articulated. however, it mostly happens spontaneously, so we don't know, that the way we feel, is actually a wormhole among us which we apply our mind plug to and we are all in the same situation. it makes it much easier, if we talk about it.
so i did talk to someone.
there was the sadness in the air or maybe it is just depression that i have yet to get to know how to cope with. whatsoever, it made my body crumble. i am on my bed, experiencing fear and shivering of my whole body. i sweat a lot in cold and get so easily tired walking up the hill, which i could get over swiftly and graciously a day before. my stomach makes these strange noises, i am not used to and the tension in my groins is keeping me allert. i have fear in me. i have panic and i miss my bed.
now i know that i am changing. it is my anger and my fear to face a world on my own that makes all of this. it is my cocoon that is cracks under pressure appart, my wires to the home are dissolving slowly, rottening under exposure to the sea beneath. they were stretched to the extent like never before. i know i am alone. not alone. i am on my own. this is different.
it was so easy to meet people. my hand was constantly in the air reaching for another in the very moment it was shaking the first one. my head trying to put so many names in, i haven't done in many years. i was open. i was open too much, i think. because now, i have all these people around, that i would pass by in every other given situation. i wasn't honest. i wasn't honest to myself. i am always saying what i feel, and at that point, i was really pleased to to meet them all, so i didn't lie. but the reasons were false. it was because i had fear in myself. Fear to be alone in this strange new world. fear to go on unnoticed, to work unchallenged, to dine uninvited, to party in corner....
and i see, how i slowly drift away from them, keeping the ones i feel connection to beside and pushing the rest on a Hallo, how's it going? relationship. i am making my living here, i am faithful to the true me inside. now, that the picture is clearing, the onion layers of my relationships are falling. they let me see the potential of relation to any given person.
but i am not choosing and i am not dissing them. i drift. i easily dissolve from their horison, i unnoticely pixealte in their JPEG file, merging with the backround. this is how i operate. this is how i stop pushing, this is how i calm down, this is how i start being. and this the way i heal my broken body.
So i have this girl in my group. Elaine from Scotland. she is a charm. i fell in love with her instantly. the energies around her swirl like crazy, there was no chance of me running away from it. she has something Motherly around her, makes me feel safe and warm, whenever she is around. when i told her today that i was feeling bad, she had that look. not a compassion, but "Get a grip and over already, everyone feels bad someday. But yes, are you ok? You need something?" so i did get over it.
i know now, i wasn't screaming at them, but me and my feelings. i wasn't disappointed. i was terrified.
so Iceland is breaking me appart. throwing me to pieces with no glue in sight. she is my mirror and faces me with fears i have inside, not offering a manual of how to overcome them. she is my destroyer, my doom's day, my terminator. she is my Jurrasic park and most fierced lover. She takes me when ever she pleases and pushes me aside when i feel that i will come.
it is all on me. it is all on me to finish it. it is all on me to bring it to an end.

it is only on me to put my self together

and give birth to myself again.

i am my own mother now.

i am my own father too.