becoming

i came. i settled. i am staying.

"ich habe mir die Freunde nicht ausgewählt, ich bin mit ihnen aufgewachsen!" said Fabio, sitting across me in a bar. He didn't choose his friends, he grew up with them.
it made me think about the surroundings and its influence on us as a human being, as a social being, as a psychological wholeness and spiritual nothingness. we all are products of our surroundings, there is no escape from it. experiences are building the wall on which we ingrave the lines of our lives. they are the true US. so where does this leave us, beings with suppossedly free will? are we free to decide? who are we really?
ofcourse there is a will. not in whishing, not in trying to make a difference. it rather lies in a decision how to react to what is taking place. it can be devastating, if we decide to. it can be happy, if we decide to. it can be sad, if we see it that way. it can be lie, if we are afraid of accepting the truth. it is all a decision. and there is nothing wrong to it. nothing un-active about it. nothing unworthy to argue about. because, with our decision we became influence on the surroundings which must decide how to react to us then. and so on.
simple. there is no greater story behind that.
so, it happened today, that our group really connected. they are really respectful to oneanother. there is no looking down on someone. everyone is taken seriously. every single comment is noticed and than, if not accepted, turned down without dismissal. and noone judges noone else.
there is this boy in our group. Benjamin. he is quite an intriguing fellow. really direct, thoughtful and profound, a bit agressive in his ideas and he plays the piano, which brought my heart to bump faster as i heard him playing. he is a kind of person who likes to present himself. confidence is a great friend to him. and i like him. he reminds me of my friend Špela in Slovenia. she likes to present herself too. and i love her.
but there is a difference between those two. Špela is being challenged, Benjamin not. and i don't want to say, she is the only one there. i just put her as an example, because he reminds me of her. we are all challenged in my surroundings. there is so much more misunderstanding and judgement, where i came from. and chriticism without a proposition for a better way is a constant escort.
but when i took a look on myself, i realised how much more relaxed i was here. i had no need in me to present myself. i enjoyed the stories others told me so much more. there was no challenging me. precisely because of the fact, there is no judgement. there is only acceptance and understanding.
i found my self in a position, where i was asked to speak up. there was this humbleness in me, not a false one. but true responsive compassion and understanding of my insignificant role as a designer among such talents in a first place. there was no arrogance in the bodylanguage when i spoke up, no need to prove myself. because there was a true interest in what i was explaining. so i realised, i am different here. i am simply putting all the trust in the things, that i am doing and take much pleasure in taking from what they have done so far. so we grow together.
what am i trying to say is, we are ALL the victims of our surroundings we are living in. we are a product, that is simple reaction to environment's predicament. and there is no shame in it. no judgement in it. it is the way we all are.
so, if i am a selfish egomaniac and arrogant bustard in Slovenia, it is because it was my decision to react that way in order to perserve my identitiy, which is often misunderstood (or did i decided on it too?). the bottom line is, it was still my choice. and so was Špela's and so was Benjamin's . That doesn't say anything about hers, his or my personality. because, i can tell i am not here, the way i am there.

so who am i, actually? who are we?

does it even matter?

i listen. i hear. i decide.
and then i speak, too.