today is my grandmother's birthday. she has passed long time ago and i still remember her birthday every year. years before she died, she kept on asking me if i would bring her flowers to her grave. i always replied with a smile on my face, thinking, the silly Nona, ofcourse i will. sometimes i made joke about her being gone, how would she known if i was there? would still matter to her, then being an angel. and she made it clear, that it is for the people to know, that she was loved. there is no saddest thing than a long forgotten grave falling into ruines.
i don't bring her flowers. i never lit a candle. i have a hard time visiting graveyard since my mother passed away. and it is not for the "trendy hype" reason that it doesn't matter where or how i remeber, even on the1st of november. just so that i do. anywhere, anytime...as long as i don't forget. i truth it has something to do with the pain i feel and the void consuming me. i want to forget that void.
thinking, that it is enought to simply remember, is a lie. to go on living pretending that it doesn't matter who lies down there is a fearsome act. noone likes to go visit a grave. but not for the reason of playing a "good" child or "faithful" lover, "honest" friend....for the others to see, to make a performance out of it. a statement of how great, loaded, loving we are. no! in truth, everyone fears death and the memory of it.
it is so ignorant and selfish, to accuse people who love their "passed away"s of being "show off"s. it is childish and immature. only a child can see the world soley through his own eyes. the difference between a "grown up" spirit and a "holding god for balls" teenager is the reflection on others. knowing that others have their stories too and if he, the teen, feels he found truth in revealing the mechanism of human behaviour, it doesn't mean it holds true for all of them. i know, i was once like that, too.
so i remeber her today. she was an inspiration. tough and brave woman, left by her husband, raising three children all on her own. and to the very end of her life, she had a spirit that wouldn't break. only the third stroke put her to sleep away her life. both times before, she put herself on feet and took on living. pride and grace were her companion even on a wheel chair.
i wish i was like her. but i am not that strong. today i am breaking. if i had known Iceland would have such an impact on my apparently fragile character, i wouldn't have come. i would first resolve my problems and then partied away.
well the thing is, i am now in a bad situation. heart ache is present, mind is getting overloaded and the body is shivering under so much emotion. but i know i will get over it. i am known for that. i fall deep and burn into ashes and then i am reborn again. and the deeper i fall the higher i am next time.
i don't bring her flowers. i never lit a candle. i have a hard time visiting graveyard since my mother passed away. and it is not for the "trendy hype" reason that it doesn't matter where or how i remeber, even on the1st of november. just so that i do. anywhere, anytime...as long as i don't forget. i truth it has something to do with the pain i feel and the void consuming me. i want to forget that void.
thinking, that it is enought to simply remember, is a lie. to go on living pretending that it doesn't matter who lies down there is a fearsome act. noone likes to go visit a grave. but not for the reason of playing a "good" child or "faithful" lover, "honest" friend....for the others to see, to make a performance out of it. a statement of how great, loaded, loving we are. no! in truth, everyone fears death and the memory of it.
it is so ignorant and selfish, to accuse people who love their "passed away"s of being "show off"s. it is childish and immature. only a child can see the world soley through his own eyes. the difference between a "grown up" spirit and a "holding god for balls" teenager is the reflection on others. knowing that others have their stories too and if he, the teen, feels he found truth in revealing the mechanism of human behaviour, it doesn't mean it holds true for all of them. i know, i was once like that, too.
so i remeber her today. she was an inspiration. tough and brave woman, left by her husband, raising three children all on her own. and to the very end of her life, she had a spirit that wouldn't break. only the third stroke put her to sleep away her life. both times before, she put herself on feet and took on living. pride and grace were her companion even on a wheel chair.
i wish i was like her. but i am not that strong. today i am breaking. if i had known Iceland would have such an impact on my apparently fragile character, i wouldn't have come. i would first resolve my problems and then partied away.
well the thing is, i am now in a bad situation. heart ache is present, mind is getting overloaded and the body is shivering under so much emotion. but i know i will get over it. i am known for that. i fall deep and burn into ashes and then i am reborn again. and the deeper i fall the higher i am next time.
my name is phoenix.
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