crushin' down

i wonder today. i don't feel secure in my skin anymore. i feel like i am a child again. 7 something in a kindergarten. i stand there in a corner where my teacher sent me to think about appropriate word for asking her to go to the Loo. i was just a boy, for Christ's sake, growing up on a country side, where language is appropriately raw. how could i have known, what was the right word, if i didn't even know it existed. i said, may i take a piss? and she wouldn't let me, demanding from me instead, to say it right. so i tried again, may i take a leak? that just made her plain angry, so i was sent there. facing the walls, i might get a clear mind on the subject, or so she thought. but the shame was too great for me to even think about correct use of words for pissing. i was shocked. she knew i had to go to the loo and she still demanded from me to find the "nice" word? couldn't she just find some different way of punishing me, some nicer way, more humane. and when i looked at her, searching for the sign of mercy in her eyes, she just turned away. like i was some hard criminal. then suddenly came the tension in my belly. i was really full. the shock and embarrasement sided away, so the pain was much stronger. i turned to my schoolmates, who kept on playing their games, not even paying attention to me. oblivious, without compassion. no understanding of the troubles of others. and i was supposed to be their friend? so i screamed at one, begging him to tell me how to say i need to piss. and then it hit me: may i go to the toilette? it was the one of the most powerful experiences i had in my life. and i must say, i often feel this way: i am saying what i feel. the need to say it, is usually so strong that i don't use "appropriate" language. so i don't find understanding. when i say it, i get punished and cut off of the people i am supposed to hang with. and they don't react, so i need to ask them, but always find solution on my own in that instant. i felt this way twice today. my first encounter with the teacher was terrible. i came to her with my concept, which is quite nice, but then she just dissed me. and when i said, i am usually working this way: first the concept, then the inspirational material, then the narrowing down and finding the solution to the problems emerging, she replied: well you came here to learn, so learn this new way. this "new way" is what i did in my first year of studying: gathering material that i like. not even knowing what for and then finding the concept, if ever, and making a beautiful collection! they do it here "this way"!!! i guess it is fashion way, my is more artistic. but anyway, i won't fight the system. maybe i will find something good for me in there at the end. what really bothered me, was the way she talked to me. whatever i said, she neglected or nullified every single thought. i felt like a complette idiot. and i felt ashamed. like i was letting everyone down. all the years of study and i can't even impress the teacher on my first day. and when i turned for the communication to my fellow students i got no connection. after she went, i asked them, if she had something against me or was it her way? and they said, it is the way she is. you have to agree with her! o, my god!! agree?? well, this is gonna be a hard lesson, but i am not a quitter, so i went home and start developping the concept again. I am doing Hitler now! i need nothing more to say. it is what i feel like, now. thrown into a jail, forbidden to live my life. forced to adjust to the new situation. if i survive, getting out skinnier as i entered (that is in my artistic mind in fashion) i will be ready to face the fashion world more powerful than ever. so, in a way i am glad it happened so early. now i just have to take care of myself, i must not forget breathing and nodding. it is quite funny, the art here is terrific. the mind of the artists i met is so amazingly pure and not heavy. they have this lightness and assurance around themselves. but fashion is a real disaster. no identitiy at all for now. too american, too Gaultier, too Yamamoto, too Balenciaga, too Dior and Marni.....too Everything else but Iceland. right now i think i will get more out of the country, less from the tutoring...but i won't say the final judgement yet. i still like it here, i still think i am capable of learning on my own, i still think my teacher is nice, offering me a different perspective, i still love people here, i still have a great fun with my schoolmates, i still smile even if they tease me, i still feel like a sponge sucking everything in, i still think teacher will see something in me in the end of the module, i still think my honesty, even if i dislike something, will find a fruitful ground, i still believe i am here for a reason. to grow

little boys like you

i went to a Melodica acoustic festival today. by chance, not by plan. i ended up in a bar Kaffi Hljomalind and the girl singing stroke me. her name is Mysterious Marta. i went to her in the end. i needed to share my opinion with her. she touched me. her song was telling my emotion. i thought i felt better by now but i had tears in my eyes. i couldn't stop. it is all still ok. and the fact, she was singing it with a smile on her face stroke me even harder. however, she couldn't hide the pain. and we looked at eachother, she modestly accepted my congratulations and say thanks to my comment on honesty of her lyrics and sincere emotion while playing. this is na excerpt of a lyrics

http://www.myspace.com/mysteriousmarta

...
what the hell,
why can't i just let you go
i always thought i was a strong person
but it looks like i am not,
at least i am losing for you
i am losing for you

i have done this before
and i got really hurt
and i promised to my self
i will never cry again
i will never cry again
because of some litle boys
i wil never cry again

because i am so tired of playing games with little boys
because i am so tired of playing games with little boys

why can't we just feel like normal people
let's meet eachother and stay together forever
stay together forever
these coupple of years

why did we meet, if there was nothing supposed to happen
why did we meet at all, or maybe it was just to make this song
...

and then another boy came. SHISHA PM. he sung a song called Winter. and this is the Chours:

...

this is the winter
this is the end
this is the final act
you are just a friend
...

tomorrow i meet with a designer i met on the street in Reykjavik, while on the way to gay bar. she is a lesbian and possibly one of the most beautiful persons i have met on Iceland untill now. she wants to see my stuff. oh i know we gonna talk for a whole day. she has just divorced, after 8 years of marriage to her wife.

i know we gonna talk a lot

jæja by the pond

by the pond of Reykjavik we chose to shoot out video. about an indian look-a-like carrying all the burden of Icelandic contemporary society. among them, there are wooden puppets, wearing the the faces of politicians who caused and perserved the situation. but it doesn't matter anyways. the meaning of it should not be pointed out, since the jæja movement we started has only one rule:

when you don't know what to do, just do something!

so we did. and the decision we chose, was having fun and not think about the greater picture. we did what felt momentarily right. we did what we felt it was funny.


we drove some moments to the extent and some we deleted completly. with some actors we played nastily, making them to puppets in our hands. to the others we were gentle and wanting to respect their effort. it didn't matter at the moment, because we weren't driven by revenge or bad feelings towards anyone, as well as good ones too. we simply reacted to the things emerging, happening in front of our eyes. we believe, noone can actually influence anything. we believe there are no things that can be said or explained, since everything you do in that moment is right. with past taking over in a next second, the reason exists anymore.
i love this movement. it has balls. it doesn't care what others might think or not think. it doesn't want to motivate noone and not discourage anyone. it has no remorse, but it wishes nothing else done either. there is no shock motivated art in jæja. there are things. nothing more. there are only decisions of a given moment. no future, no option, no happiness, no sadness, no past, nothing...

no thing

i sat there, by the pond of reykjavik. thinking about what we'd done. i lifted my photo and took some pictures. it is nothing we have done, yet we did everything.

i think i will eat cereals tomorrow.

reykjavik is burning with a song on its face.

the wind has come in to Reykjavik. it is blowing outside, they said it is going to be a great storm tonight. strange, to me a storm always includes rain or snow. here, a storm in a clear sky with hard blowing wind. oh, and it is blowing fiercly. i wouldn't want to be outside the safety of my room right now, especially with the glaze that coveres the pavement, reserved for pedestrians. it was quite interesting today morning. i graciously skated with my shoes to the school (but read it clumsily and bumpily).
however, this wasn't the wind i was thinking of. no. befoer the actual wind came, the other kind of it blew through the streets of the Reykjavik. i know. I felt it. i sensed it in my change of decision. i decided to face it all. i spoke of that, quite boringly in former blog entries, but you shouldn't be mad at me for doing it so. i needed to write it down. One of my followers, Tine, said, it was a good idea for me to write it down the way i am doing, that way i could remember more. My staying, that is. and he was right. i did.
but what will i be looking at in time, when i am back home? at my sadness? at my unwillingness to act? at my passionate love? my irrational feelings? my Fear of being here? my Fall? NO. i will be looking into growth. into decision making. into facing and rising.
i knew, when i went form my home place to this strange land with these happy people, that i would be having troubles at the beginning. but on the contrary, i melted in so quickly, it seemed impossible, even to my friend Jorge. but there i was, feeling happy and cheerful in the first week. well, as it later came out, is wasn't real. for, just a week later, i was having all these weird thoughts going on, feeling all those strange emotions creeping in.
and so was reykjavik then. covered in the blackish gray dimmed atmosphere. sadness crawling among people. demonstrations being peaceful and boring. people loosing their faith in the power of one man's voice. oh, it was dragging everybody down. you couldn't escape it. you wouldn't even try to, for it felt appropriate at the time.
but then, a change came. people went out on tuesday. bringing their stuff from home, which they can make noise with. spoons, bells, pans, french keys, wooden sticks, ect. and they made noise. oh,what a noise it become. powerful! decisive! demanding! new! fresh! unique to the culture! and it made me dance! i went to the protest the other day. i was angry, because i haven't brought anything to join this raving. oh yes, it was raving. techno culture could learn something form them. it was amazing. then they burned a tree. in the middle of the square.
so i came home that night and i cut my hair. i rearranged my room and then dyed hair in black.
it was a purifying act and today, when i went to school, people were pleasantly surprised at my lightness of being. of course, they said i had great hair. and i do! i am looking pretty astonishing.
but that isn't the matter. what matters is, i spent my whole day in school. form 9 to midnight. and i laughed the whole time. to tears. i hadn't had such a laugh in years.
i was doing prints with copper plates. a technique i always wanted to achieve. and now i am doing it. professor liked it, so he invited me to an exhibition. i declined, of course, since i had to work on a video with my group i fall in love with in these three weeks.
they laughed at me in the beginning. but it didn't matter. i am a funny guy. i like to bring people to laugh. i am gay and a bit feminine as well, which is alwas funny to look at. i know i would laugh at myself if i saw me. but it was ok, they saw more to me, than just appearence. because now, when the end of our meetings is coming, they want me to come to the party tomorrow evening. they want me to skip my other one, i have been invited to, just to be with them. they need me there, because they begunn to really see inside of me. and a boy wishes for me to go running with him in the mornings. another girl wants to come to visit me in slovenia. my leading professor made a contact with me on a friendly level, the other on professional. the third was amazed with my understanding of his pieces of art and i fall in love with it, because it is simple, using the laws of physics and he never influences it on any level. he simply let's it evolve and dissolve.
so here it is, how i learn. through little miracles of everyday's communication by simply being who i am and not worrying to please anyone. the way everyone should be.
i think i will meet Bjork and we will work together. i think it might happen soon. one of my professors is her designer....just a step away, just a talk closer. hm!!


and so the reykjavik burns with a song on his face, melting the ice cube i came in with.

stop - rewind - record over!!

Ragnar Alexsson, icelandic photographer

it is a day of ending. if my life is a taperecorder, then today the "stop" button has been pressed.
i had a major breakdown yesterday.
i always thought my personality would be described as a lake. calm and cold on the outside. caught between mountains, with the moonlight reflecting on the surface. i´d see it as Krnsko jezero, deep and green with life hidden in its groins. well, maybe it was a lake at some time in the beginning. but as it fails to flush things out, the lake has begun to grow shallow and in this month it became a pawn.
we all know what happens to a pawn when somebody steps into it. the insides come up on the surface. oh, i collected them fiercly in my life. things!! being a tough and proud, arrogant and selfish boy. i surpressed everything that could stirr my good image. i was sensitive, allright , but i decided on what and when. it was all an act.
so yesterday it happened that the final shake has been an overload. it all came up. all the fears and all the feelings, all the secrets and all the sorrows, all the things i though i don´t regret doing and all the things i do... and i faced them all. i was lying on my bed not sure of how to cope with what was happening and then my friend appeared, whom i love a lot. she is my light in every situation i face. she is a hand pointing the right direction. and she told me, to give them names, to give them shapes and colour....and then talk to them. ask them why are they here.

to identify them all
to accept them all
to banish them all

and so i got three new friends:

green and slimy fear,
red and liquid hurt,
pink and sphere-like love.

i couldn´t give them names, though. i saw them together. but there they were. separate. and the more i tried to tell them, that i think they were the same thing, the more they disagreed. it was an dead-end alley or so i thought, untill the message came. a mail in which the needed code was inprinted. they took the new shape it provided. i wasn´t shocked, when i saw the image appearing. i fell in love with that shape before that. have been in love with it for quite some time. i thought it would be hard for me to banish it, but it was quite simple. i just breathed in and slowly breathed out. i felt releaved.
i set the ground beneath my feet. i am still pretty high above, swimming in my unearthly, unlogical and irrationaly evoked emotion, but i feel the ground nearing. i see the bottom of a pawn clearing itself. i see the light shimmerly appearing, i sense the cold and deep green colour of the lake i was before. i am not there yet. but i am on my way to get to it.
and so the day begunn today. woke up terribly looking. i almost screamed when i saw my face. i really need to stop using hair spray. my hair looked like Tim Burton´s witch of one of his movies. i need to cut them, clearly i need. it will be purifying.
then i had a breakfast. a jam!! i haven´t eaten jam in a months. i just didn´t stand the thought of eating cereal. so i went to school. we had a discussion. and for the first time in three weeks, i laughed to my tears. the ideas were absurdly surreal and we all agreed on doing them. my imagination was working again full throtle! i didn´t have a laugh that sincere in three months.
so i went to my fashion department, then. oh, they have a library here, my school in slovenia should hide in shame from it. and i looked for a book that would take me in.....
i found three, none of them in fashion. all of art, icelandic art, icelandic thought, icelandic people...
i am on fucking Iceland!!!
i realised i am whining here....thinking too much....i need to start talking about beauty here. i need to be more focused on the new, not the old.
so here it is, the last day of my blog the way it is....

i am going out to drink beer with my fellow Laura. we need to celebrate. is the Bush´s last day!

EVERYTHING ENDS TODAY I START ANEW

reset

it is ok.
the day of silence and thought.
contemplating the things to do in future,
resolving the problems of the present,
letting go all the past.

it is ok.
saying the things inside outloud,
facing the fears and scream them away
acknowledge the tension and give it a face
tell them to leave you right now

it is ok.
to sit down and cry
to show your potential
to amaze them all
and become their leader
go on, when it is done.

it is ok.

but then you must act
you must destroy
you must stand up
and say "so long"

you need to realise
it is just one thing
it is just a life
that you chose to lead.

jæja

18th January

today is my grandmother's birthday. she has passed long time ago and i still remember her birthday every year. years before she died, she kept on asking me if i would bring her flowers to her grave. i always replied with a smile on my face, thinking, the silly Nona, ofcourse i will. sometimes i made joke about her being gone, how would she known if i was there? would still matter to her, then being an angel. and she made it clear, that it is for the people to know, that she was loved. there is no saddest thing than a long forgotten grave falling into ruines.
i don't bring her flowers. i never lit a candle. i have a hard time visiting graveyard since my mother passed away. and it is not for the "trendy hype" reason that it doesn't matter where or how i remeber, even on the1st of november. just so that i do. anywhere, anytime...as long as i don't forget. i truth it has something to do with the pain i feel and the void consuming me. i want to forget that void.
thinking, that it is enought to simply remember, is a lie. to go on living pretending that it doesn't matter who lies down there is a fearsome act. noone likes to go visit a grave. but not for the reason of playing a "good" child or "faithful" lover, "honest" friend....for the others to see, to make a performance out of it. a statement of how great, loaded, loving we are. no! in truth, everyone fears death and the memory of it.
it is so ignorant and selfish, to accuse people who love their "passed away"s of being "show off"s. it is childish and immature. only a child can see the world soley through his own eyes. the difference between a "grown up" spirit and a "holding god for balls" teenager is the reflection on others. knowing that others have their stories too and if he, the teen, feels he found truth in revealing the mechanism of human behaviour, it doesn't mean it holds true for all of them. i know, i was once like that, too.
so i remeber her today. she was an inspiration. tough and brave woman, left by her husband, raising three children all on her own. and to the very end of her life, she had a spirit that wouldn't break. only the third stroke put her to sleep away her life. both times before, she put herself on feet and took on living. pride and grace were her companion even on a wheel chair.
i wish i was like her. but i am not that strong. today i am breaking. if i had known Iceland would have such an impact on my apparently fragile character, i wouldn't have come. i would first resolve my problems and then partied away.
well the thing is, i am now in a bad situation. heart ache is present, mind is getting overloaded and the body is shivering under so much emotion. but i know i will get over it. i am known for that. i fall deep and burn into ashes and then i am reborn again. and the deeper i fall the higher i am next time.

my name is phoenix.

only for voyeurs

if you really want to hear the crack inside....
othrewise, wait for next blog entrance
i just needed to let it out
sorry

"i started to dream heavily here. i don't know what has been causing it, but the dreams are starting to freak me out. yesterday i woke up all covered in tears. i was swimming in them, my cheeks salty and eyes like jagged edged nut shells."

i dreamt about him. he came to my town. to my house. not alone ofcourse, but with two girlfriends and a fellow boy. i showed them around and the place where they would sleep. naturally, i didn't make any suggestion to reveal my true emotions. i kept them hidden inside, but i never lost him out of my sight.
they were all very nice and talkative. his girlfriends were happy with the way my room looked and the fellow boy was cheerful about everything i had to offer. he, however stayed silent. for the whole time. he was just sneaking around like a cat, careful so i would never lose him out of sight but far enough so i wouldn't touch him. it was a game.
but then they went away and he stayed there with me in a single room with piano. no words were spoken, nor did he look me in the eyes for the whole time he spent there, he just sat behind the piano and then started to play. he knew my love for the sound of hammers hitting the strings and the harmony they evoked. with closed eyes he played. and i knew he was sure i was getting more interested, that the wall around me has begun fall, the curtains have opened, the ice had begun to melt inside. and so i went to him, placing the laundry i was folding on side, and stepped behind him. i didn't touch him. i just leaned my head on his shoulder and he gently brushed his cheeks to my hair without stoping to play. it was the first moment we had. the first touch we gave, the first contact we made and the last word he said to me were: "when i came here, i had this great love for you, but now that i see you, i feel nothing anymore!"
the crack inside was louder than the one on a day when earthquake destroyed my valley.

and so i woke up crying.

i knew then i need to go. i knew i need to forget everything. that i need to accept the truth and not live for the mere chance. i have to live things i am saying here on blog. not jst preach them. he is not giving me any confirmation and i am not sure i want to hear them. i don't want to. let it go, i am hooked on him. despite all the irrationalities of the given situation.
against all odds it happened, that i fell in love... and what wasn't supposed to happen, revealed its self as the strongest emotion i had in my last few years.

iceland is killing me. with no wall i am not safe even from my own reality.

oh, i grow all right! i just don't know, if i like the shape i am growing into.

so i went out tonight. to a gay bar. Qbar. and i had the greates night of last few years. everything was great. people, music, alcohol. there was this waitor i asked to mix me something new, because i need to forget and i need to get drunk. he made it and it was really delicious. i got drunk a lot and danced like hell. a guy came to me, telling me he loves the way i move. i just smiled.
and i met this other guy, but i never spoke to him. we touched, we watched, we danced, all that not to eachother. i was some place else... my body was there, but heart was far away...i didn't forget. i couldn't. i am still in love...

and i am still remebering now....
and i will still remember it tomorrow...

and i will never forget...
never...
never...
ever!

i am falling in silence instead

it is written....

it is 3 p.m. i am still in my bed. i decided to skip the classes and dedicate this day to my recovering. the Iceland i am seeing now is framed down to 1x1,5m window. i hear cars driving in the distance. i think they actually never stop. it is amazing. people here drive to every single place that is more then 20m away. and i always thought northern people are so eko-oriented. another stereotype demolished. if Myth Busters run out of the subject matter, they should come here. a lot of myths to bust around.
the sky is lighted now for 1 hout more than on the day i came here. the difference between darkness on the 21st Dezember and the light on 21st June is extreme. i calculated the day gets longer for 10 minutes each day. quite noticeable addition. i like that change. makes my heart sing and eyes shine. it is like, everyday gives a small but significant amount to the hope of a next day emerging. one is always looking ahead, not backwards. this i can see now. in a way i think life stream Icelanders have created here is connected to that. looking forward.
that is ok, however, one might lose control of it. with every confirmation of expectation the insight into future gets greedier. at first for a day, than for two, next time for a week... untill one finishes up planing things for 20 years in advance.
in chaos theory there is no future. you cannot predict anything, because the calculations aren't linear. they have many attributes, which are tightly interwined so the solutions are impossible to get. there are only assumptions. but we humans do it still. and so, we have a weather forecast. to me it was funny that Iceland has this major Forecast site predicting weather for 10 days in advance. i thought, how can this be, if the weather changes so quickly. it is impossible to know for sure. in reality the site fails to tell the actual conditions here.
i go out dressed for snow in the afternoon, but it is snowing already and the temperatures are much higher than supposed to be. or the other way around. i am dressed for the sun and rain surprises me on exit with temperatures below zero.
what is it about future that we so need to be sure of? it is always the same. many movies have been made on a theme of how small changes influence the future path. one of greatest ones was Sliding doors with Gwyneth Paltrow. in my opinion it was also the best one, because in the end there was the same result, just path was different. it is how i'd see life, if i really had to decide on fate issue.
we need confirmation of a next day coming. of a next meeting happening. of a next coffee debate, next love affair, next issue solved, next happiness coming....we always say that it will be better next time. yes hope dies last. but there is no assurance, we will be having one next some "thing"...
now is all we have and i said that many times before. but still, even though you all nod with your heads now or think i am repeating myself, you still are worried about next moment.
we all share the same problem.
the thing about Icelandic people is they put much trust into the future. they felt secure in the situation they were. enjoyed the prosperity they had in that very moment, when in fact it was bought with the luck based on continuity of the present in the future. buying things you cannot pay for. that is just irrational. how can someone's happiness base on things that will hopefully hold still in the future? could be my happiness, that i am feeling now, based on a possibility of something happening tomorrow? could be my love, i feel for You now, caused by the hope of once being together? No, it is irrational. Chance is not hope. it is running from doubt, one knows inside. noone likes to accept the negative reality. but there is none, actually. the "negative" has it's reason in expectations. if i have them high and they don't come true, then my reality is negative. well, reality is just the way it is. real. no adjectives possible to add to. none at all.
so where is the fate in it all? we love to see romantic movies talking about fate. i know I DO. we need that fate in all the chaos. but the funny part of chaos theory is, there are laws in it too. there is a system, but too complex to understand. to me, chaos theory explains Life. i couldn't get rid of that feeling when i was reading Chaos theory related books. Life as it is. hidden in every single occurence. in every single movement, thought or existence.
i watched a movie yesterday. Slumdog Millionaire. it is a huge success. huge winner in the golden globes. i had my doubts before i started to watch it. but a boy, i put much trust into, has put it on his favorite movie list. and he was right. i got caught in an instant. it is about fate, love, real life and it never loses the poetic note even in most aggrevating situations. this is how life is. always positive. or just simply IS.
i am an idelaist. i believe in love. i believe it is the only force that exist. we are born out of love and sure, as we die we die into love again. we go home.
and so i feel secure now. i let it all go. my expectations and plans. my wishes and my desires. my sadness and my happiness. i am living emotions that were born today. through the night fate revealed itself and i understood the meaning of the film. now i know inside, that i am meant to be with you. it doesn't matter when or how. i am not looking into the future, iceland taught me it shouldn't be like that. this moment and each that follows is a comfirmation of destiny i am following without any effort. the road that will bring us together changes every single second, but goal remains the same. i am here now and you are somewhere else. one day we'll bump into eachother and we will know who we are.

i know rain will be falling on that day.

facing the mirror

I am calming down. you can see it by my writing a blog. i won't submit to the negative energies that surrounded me and i can say others felt it too. it is amazing, how sensitive we are. capable of noticing things that aren't visual or articulated. however, it mostly happens spontaneously, so we don't know, that the way we feel, is actually a wormhole among us which we apply our mind plug to and we are all in the same situation. it makes it much easier, if we talk about it.
so i did talk to someone.
there was the sadness in the air or maybe it is just depression that i have yet to get to know how to cope with. whatsoever, it made my body crumble. i am on my bed, experiencing fear and shivering of my whole body. i sweat a lot in cold and get so easily tired walking up the hill, which i could get over swiftly and graciously a day before. my stomach makes these strange noises, i am not used to and the tension in my groins is keeping me allert. i have fear in me. i have panic and i miss my bed.
now i know that i am changing. it is my anger and my fear to face a world on my own that makes all of this. it is my cocoon that is cracks under pressure appart, my wires to the home are dissolving slowly, rottening under exposure to the sea beneath. they were stretched to the extent like never before. i know i am alone. not alone. i am on my own. this is different.
it was so easy to meet people. my hand was constantly in the air reaching for another in the very moment it was shaking the first one. my head trying to put so many names in, i haven't done in many years. i was open. i was open too much, i think. because now, i have all these people around, that i would pass by in every other given situation. i wasn't honest. i wasn't honest to myself. i am always saying what i feel, and at that point, i was really pleased to to meet them all, so i didn't lie. but the reasons were false. it was because i had fear in myself. Fear to be alone in this strange new world. fear to go on unnoticed, to work unchallenged, to dine uninvited, to party in corner....
and i see, how i slowly drift away from them, keeping the ones i feel connection to beside and pushing the rest on a Hallo, how's it going? relationship. i am making my living here, i am faithful to the true me inside. now, that the picture is clearing, the onion layers of my relationships are falling. they let me see the potential of relation to any given person.
but i am not choosing and i am not dissing them. i drift. i easily dissolve from their horison, i unnoticely pixealte in their JPEG file, merging with the backround. this is how i operate. this is how i stop pushing, this is how i calm down, this is how i start being. and this the way i heal my broken body.
So i have this girl in my group. Elaine from Scotland. she is a charm. i fell in love with her instantly. the energies around her swirl like crazy, there was no chance of me running away from it. she has something Motherly around her, makes me feel safe and warm, whenever she is around. when i told her today that i was feeling bad, she had that look. not a compassion, but "Get a grip and over already, everyone feels bad someday. But yes, are you ok? You need something?" so i did get over it.
i know now, i wasn't screaming at them, but me and my feelings. i wasn't disappointed. i was terrified.
so Iceland is breaking me appart. throwing me to pieces with no glue in sight. she is my mirror and faces me with fears i have inside, not offering a manual of how to overcome them. she is my destroyer, my doom's day, my terminator. she is my Jurrasic park and most fierced lover. She takes me when ever she pleases and pushes me aside when i feel that i will come.
it is all on me. it is all on me to finish it. it is all on me to bring it to an end.

it is only on me to put my self together

and give birth to myself again.

i am my own mother now.

i am my own father too.

my way to school

a
walk
10 a.m
no tripod
no photoshop
longer exposure
pure impression
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a plan

i am not sure, how i shall put this. but i am getting angry with everything that is happening here. too much of a talk, so much talk, words, words, words....and i am a kind of person who REALLY likes to say things. so it must be something deeper. i think i grew tired of them. words.
it is not just them, it is every single explanation i feel i need to share in order to be understood. and there is too much of a BLAH, to little of a DO.
i understand the situation Iceland is going through. i cannot identify with it, of course. it would be too pretencious of me to even consider being capable of feeling the same way. quite arrogant. and i know the pain, the hurt, the pride, the fear, the angry, the envy is getting higher and stronger here every and each day. i applaud to that. let's rage!!!! no really, LET'S RAGE!!!!
let us stand for what we believe! let us say it out loud! let us admit we were deceived! let us shout at bustards that covered our eyes with money! let us take a look at ourselves and see what we could have done better...let us fall into anarchy! let us destroy the existent system!
AND JUST GET OVER WITH IT, THEN!!!
i went to protest on saturday...it was supposed to be an artistic statement, we as a group are planing. nothing happened. noone showed up. three foreigners in the group, holding a stone, left alone by the very people who should have felt something and react to it. sad story.
i came here with no plans of how or who would i like to become. all i was sure that i will be doing, was simply being here and take in everything. i cleansed myself. made me pure. i deleted the mind settings i had before. i wanted to be clearminded, ready to suck in everything. i became this sponge you buy in a supermarket smelling of soft lemon you just want to squeeze into your glass.
and now i think it was the stupidiest thing i have done in my life. i should have brought my wall with me, my baggage, my story, my thoughts, my passion, my fullness.
i was deceived by my own ignorance. i was misled by everything i read about the iceland. i should have listened to Svetlana Makarovič, when she said, it was all an illusion. there is nothing they believe in. there are no dwarfes. no elves. there are stories, drunken people told, claiming they saw something on their way back home in a misty night, so i have been told. the only that remains fixed is their acceptance of everything possible. "why not!?" with the smile on their face.
and precisely the "why not!?" is killing me.
and there was no elf living in a hill everyone is talking about. there were so many accidents happening on that spot they just started to believe it was something "wrong" with it, so they made a curve around it. it was about superstition, not belief.
and as far as i have seen, the baggers are just biting at every piece of earth they bump into, not even considering to ask elves for a permition, if they may build something on that ground. the greed and money-power took over the reason and heart they possesed.
and you should know, i am not criticising, i am reporting from the talks i have with pure Iceland souls. they know ,they did wrong. and it is sad, to see this proud people humbled by their own vanity. there, i feel compassion, but i still can't indetify myself with them. it is so far away from what i am.
and so i came here. to this messed up and hurt country as a sponge. the sink is full of dirty water. sins pouring from every crack they find their way into. people, not sure of the future, confused and disarmed by the deaf ears of their government, have their faces up, but spirit is breaking. there is despair in the air these days. now that my excitement has set aside, i can see it clearly. it is the loss of hope and the realisation that protesting isn't going to change a thing.
power makes people deaf, blind and silent.
and sponge just keeps on sucking everything in. that is me. feeling strongly motivated to do something. feeling aggrevated by the talks i witness everyday. i am engaged into situation, ready to scream: stop talking and do something! WAAAAAAAAAAAA
it is pulling me in. the calmness can't find its place inside of me anymore. i am on the edge of loosing my tempre. it is so what i haven't hoped it would happen. but her it is. happening all the same!
and it made me realise. i don't believe in words anymore. so i am considering to stop writing blog. i consider never to speak at all. it would be a nice turn around in my life. a great achievemnt of my conscious mind. because i think art can speak for itself. music can speak for itself. love can speak for itself and so does sadness, hunger, thirst, anger, need, nature, animal, occurences, thoughts, visions, happiness, light, rain, thunder,rage, war, snow, hair, shivers, body, penis, vagina, smile, laughter, clothes, airplanes, trucks, autos, tires, buildings, will, prayer, bells, wood, keys, yoghurt!!

interpretations have no value
opinion has no value
report has no value
issues have no value
art has no value

only action has one small.

the greatest belongs to Life as it is.

thank god i am on my way to see the northern lights, maybe then i will feel better.

miracles of life

they happen a lot. every day has it. somewhere. there is always something happening, someone can perceive as a miracle. it doesn't have to be a big thing. it doesn't have to be a thing at all. it can be anything.
it is any-x.
there was a snow in Portugal yesterday. a boy has told me so. he deserves a name, this boy. it would be nice from me to let you know, who he is. afterall, you are looking at him above. but, you see, the name he has isn't a miracle. it was given to him. however, the snow was one. to him at least it was. nevertheless, that doesn't take away its magic. for a miracle, to become one, there is just one needed to see it that way.
and so it was. a miracle happening in Portugal.
i had my share of miracles happening, too. latley even more often than the days before. but i think i just got my eyes open and my senses sharpened. it is not like somebody up high has suddenly decided to pay me more attention than usual. on the contrary. i made a decision to follow his work more attentively. so now i see them everywhere.
it was the gloves i forgot in classroom full of strangers that have waited for me. it was a phone i lost in persuite of the gloves, which waited for me exactly there, where it fall out of my pocket.
it was the shake of hands with the girl who shares the same vision as i do in fashion and art. it was the first person i talked to when i came to school, realising she is from Brazil, which made two things possible for me. it was today's meeting with Jessica, when she came by with her bike and put me on the back, so i felt like a child again, screaming and laughing. it was the salt i held in my hand, that gave me an idea for my next project. it is everything i make consciously aware. for that way i can't make anything wrong. everything becomes the next thread in a ribbon of my daily deicisions i follow. nothing is wrong, nothing is right. it is just the way it is. perfect
so, i see the miracles everywhere. i see them because i choose to. but there are some in which i find more happiness then the others. i don't wan't to put value on any of them. it is a mere reaction of my physical body. the happiness, that is. it has nothing to do with my mind being open.
and the most strangely powerful is the smile i have on my face. it comes from burning i have inside. the fire that could so easily burst into tears, can't withold its self and it causes the muscles, that are ready to crawl into crying grimase, to stretch them into largest smile. the tears just vaporise. it is the smile that has been so long put aside in my life. ignored. left alone with a simple excuse, "i have no time for that". so the smile smiles also for its self. it is a doubble smile. one reflects in my wide streched lips and the other in glowing shiny eyes focused on its cause. it is a nice smile and not seductive at all. not like a drug you need to take, because the body craves and breaks under artificial default settings. this smile is a memory. it has nothing to do even with the person or thing i am looking at. it is evoked. rised. ressurected. from the mud of pain and hurt i had in my life. it is like new beginning. or it is an end? who knows. because, i can't imagine the better way to die, than with the smile on my face.

and that smile has a name now. it has and it is a miracle. i call it Jorge.

i just loved it, when i saw it. three layer wafel of icelandinc coast line. the completly man-made, the man-put and raw nature as the brightest of them all. i had to play with this little wafel. turning it upside down and i got this amazing sense of depth through which the bright light explosively shines. it is like a pure energy caught between two fake worlds.
it is how i mostly felt not a month ago. caught in this pretencious world, which is fed up with everything.
did you know, there are actually people, paying whores with AIDS, havinging Bareback sex, just for the risk and thrill of maybe getting it them selves?
how much sicker can we get!!!! isn't there enough of shit already? do we need to destroy ourselves too? what about the precious gift of life? did it really lose its meaning, because of disempowerment? whom do these people blame for their behavior?
the money? the corruption? the government? the mass media? the town? the neighbour? the son? the sister? the mother? the god? the nature? the physics? the mathematics? the idea of human being?
there is always someone to blame. and in some way, i hope there is. because, if the decadence has reached this kind of level, where there is no more value to the human life, from one's self point of view, then i think the time has arrived for all the deseases that threatened us, for all the wars that have artificially been kept from outburst, to finnaly find their place in this world. we don't deserve to be here anymore.
in a bottom line, we are responsible for the life we got.
and so i am here in this patch of land where the corruption and government were responcible for the collapse of the whole country. and people are angry. and this is good so!
people are pissed. and they should be.
people are protesting. and it is supposed to be like that.
but they are not losing faith. they are not falling into decadence. they are not taking the value of life away. on the contrary.
the value got higher. the frendship got powerful. the connection grew stronger. the love for one another swept the prejudice. and it is good so!! it is the right way to react.

i am glad i came here, to this small patch of land in the middle of the ocean. for this is the place for someone like me, who stopped believing in connection, love and compassion. i came to find them, see them and take them again.

to fall in love, to give it forward and receive it, so i can give it forward again.

becoming

i came. i settled. i am staying.

"ich habe mir die Freunde nicht ausgewählt, ich bin mit ihnen aufgewachsen!" said Fabio, sitting across me in a bar. He didn't choose his friends, he grew up with them.
it made me think about the surroundings and its influence on us as a human being, as a social being, as a psychological wholeness and spiritual nothingness. we all are products of our surroundings, there is no escape from it. experiences are building the wall on which we ingrave the lines of our lives. they are the true US. so where does this leave us, beings with suppossedly free will? are we free to decide? who are we really?
ofcourse there is a will. not in whishing, not in trying to make a difference. it rather lies in a decision how to react to what is taking place. it can be devastating, if we decide to. it can be happy, if we decide to. it can be sad, if we see it that way. it can be lie, if we are afraid of accepting the truth. it is all a decision. and there is nothing wrong to it. nothing un-active about it. nothing unworthy to argue about. because, with our decision we became influence on the surroundings which must decide how to react to us then. and so on.
simple. there is no greater story behind that.
so, it happened today, that our group really connected. they are really respectful to oneanother. there is no looking down on someone. everyone is taken seriously. every single comment is noticed and than, if not accepted, turned down without dismissal. and noone judges noone else.
there is this boy in our group. Benjamin. he is quite an intriguing fellow. really direct, thoughtful and profound, a bit agressive in his ideas and he plays the piano, which brought my heart to bump faster as i heard him playing. he is a kind of person who likes to present himself. confidence is a great friend to him. and i like him. he reminds me of my friend Špela in Slovenia. she likes to present herself too. and i love her.
but there is a difference between those two. Špela is being challenged, Benjamin not. and i don't want to say, she is the only one there. i just put her as an example, because he reminds me of her. we are all challenged in my surroundings. there is so much more misunderstanding and judgement, where i came from. and chriticism without a proposition for a better way is a constant escort.
but when i took a look on myself, i realised how much more relaxed i was here. i had no need in me to present myself. i enjoyed the stories others told me so much more. there was no challenging me. precisely because of the fact, there is no judgement. there is only acceptance and understanding.
i found my self in a position, where i was asked to speak up. there was this humbleness in me, not a false one. but true responsive compassion and understanding of my insignificant role as a designer among such talents in a first place. there was no arrogance in the bodylanguage when i spoke up, no need to prove myself. because there was a true interest in what i was explaining. so i realised, i am different here. i am simply putting all the trust in the things, that i am doing and take much pleasure in taking from what they have done so far. so we grow together.
what am i trying to say is, we are ALL the victims of our surroundings we are living in. we are a product, that is simple reaction to environment's predicament. and there is no shame in it. no judgement in it. it is the way we all are.
so, if i am a selfish egomaniac and arrogant bustard in Slovenia, it is because it was my decision to react that way in order to perserve my identitiy, which is often misunderstood (or did i decided on it too?). the bottom line is, it was still my choice. and so was Špela's and so was Benjamin's . That doesn't say anything about hers, his or my personality. because, i can tell i am not here, the way i am there.

so who am i, actually? who are we?

does it even matter?

i listen. i hear. i decide.
and then i speak, too.